There are mentions of heavy mental health topics past this point


This website is intended for adults only and is best viewed on Desktop

No cookies or fingerprinting are used here

Feel free to play this track as you browse the website - You can always stop it!

Made by CircusP, remixed by steampianist

My Psyche

Anatomy of an entropologist

My craft

Performance of the broken for the dead



medial prefrontal cortex

about me

ventromedial prefrontal cortex

My likes and dislikes

medial temporal lobe

Statement of closure

Haha get flash banged

I don't use social media sorry


Some gerbils that feed my passion and anger*

*In no particular order



Music

Typically get along withTypically do not get along with
Symphonic rock/metal
A thousand eyes - miracle of sound
Most rap
Telltales
Black roses - aviarors
A decent amount of pop
Vocaloids
Circus Monster - CircusP
 
Alternative
Bernadette - IAMX
 
Classical
Hold On - Myuu
 
Sometimes phonk
AVANGARD - LONOWN
 

Not really exhaustive in anyway. Hard decisions

Kind of exhaustive

Fictional characters

I really like these charactersI think these characters are overrated TBH
Ken Kaneki
Tokyo Ghoul
Most call of duty characters
Michizō Tachihara
Bungo stray dogs
Majority of generic hero shooter characters like ones from overwatch
Nimona
Nimona
A decent chunk of characters from roblox "horror" games
Diavolo
Jojo's bizzare adventure
Anything in FNAF post UNC
Sheldon cooper
Big bang theory
 
Bedman
Guilty gear
 
Krieg
Borderlands 2
 
Emil
Identity V
 
Gwyndolin
Dark souls
 
Malice
Fantastic four
 
Briar
League of legends
 
Loki
Loki
 
Rell
Warframe
 
Root
Person of interest
 
I KINDA LIKE MEI MEI OK I STILL CONDEMN HER WEIRDNESS
Jujutsu kaisen
 
I kind of like Petra even though she doesn't have a personality
Brawlhalla
 
Anyone else with white hair and/or ambigous identity fragmentation honestly 

Books/Manga

I really like thisI don't indulge too much
Physics STEM textbooksMost non-manga fiction
HP LovecraftAny excessive romance
Psychology books centered around certain topics I'm invested in 
Little prince 
Tokyo Ghoul 
Latina Lingva 
Chainsaw man 

Games

I enjoy these gamesI typically stay away from these games
FactorioGames with really tragic stories
Hello charlotteGames that require a lot of input time and effort like MMO RPG's
SubnauticaAny modern triple A game at this point
Most any heroshooter 
Dwarf fortress 
Noita 
Brawlhalla 
Identity V 
Chess 
Doki Doki Literature Club 
Doom (1993)
Modded or vanilla
 
Don't starve
Don't starve together
 
No man's sky 
Palworld 
Warhammer
Tabletop
 
Team fortress 2 
Warframe 
Vr chat 
All souls like, but BloodBorne especially 
Typically enjoy bethesda games as long as I can mod them 
Sometimes league of legends but I'm pretty bad 
Most of remedy games,
Alan wake
Quantum Break
Control
 
I'm ok with playing most games as a social bonding experience, but I am not very competitive or dedicated to games 

Film/Anime

Enjoyed theseHard time enjoying these
Big bang theoryA lot of mainstream horror
Family guyMost sitcoms
Spongebob squarepantsMost dramas
Code lyokoHonestly just most mainstream blockbusters
NimonaTokyo ghoul :skull:
Wall-E 
Bungo stray dogs 
Analog horror
if someone holds my hand
 
Matrix 
Jojo's bizzare adventure 
The promised neverland 
Loki 
Chainsaw man 
Jujutsu kaisen 
West world 
Person of interest 
Angel's egg !! 

Hobbies/Interests

You can find me doingYou have lower chances of finding me doing
Various art projects
The one you're reading being one
Attendance to most types of raves/concerts/parties/events
ElectronicsOn any social media besides 1:1 messaging ones
Game developmentSleeping in larger portions than 3 hours
3D printing
FDM and SLA
 
Writing 
Solicited psychoanalyzation 
Asking very weird questions 
Thrifting for alt clothes 
General personal 2D/3D art 
Photogrammetrizing the environment around me 
Begrudingly wiring a light in your basement 
Swimming 
Running after squirrels 
Trying and failing to learn a third fluent language 
to consume(?)
Homunculus
Jujutsu kaisen manga

A decent number of interests I didn't mention since I don't currently have as much of an interest in them
Although I'm always looking for new things to enritch myself with


Vae illi

Mehrbod

Acheron


Circus registry ID

#AJW92K3V191

TitleNumber
YEARS PERFORMING8
ART CATEGORYDramatic
TROUPE IDCircus "Monster"
FIELDDESCRIPTION
STAGE NAMEVae Illi ("Vae")
Pronounced 'why'
PRONOUNSNA - Use it/its
AGE22
SPECIALTYFire breather/Knife thrower
TEMPERAMENTINTJ - MASTERMIND
BLOOD TYPEAB+
SIGNATURE TRAITPrecision and controlled risk tolerance

Circus Monster - Performer details

Medical conditions

TitleIntensityDescriptionTreatmentSourceRisk assessment
Post-Combat Stress ReactionHighExhibits hyper arousal, defensive aggression, and flashback-like responses to loud percussive sounds or confinementsRequires pre-performance mental check-ins and a controlled environment; Avoid pyrotechnic surprises outside rehearsed cuesSevere traumatic exposureModerate; Potentially dangerous and chaotic aggression behaviour if triggered
Secondary PsychopathyModerateDisplays emotional detachment under stress and reduced empathy during conflict situations; otherwise functional and cooperativeBehavioural monitoring; clear task structure; avoid prolonged isolation or sleep deprivation and disengage any conflict as soon as possiblePersonality adaptation to chronic traumaModerate to Severe; Avoid prolonged conflict
Bilateral full Visual ImpairmentVery severeOperates non-visually using spatial memory, auditory vues and tactile orientation; maintains strong performance reliabilityRequires adapted stage setup and dedicated guide for equipment alignmentAcquired (unspecified)None/Minimal
Autism spectrum disorder - High functioningMild to moderateDisplays strong focus, pattern recognition and resistance to unplanned change. May struggle with social nuancePredictable scheduling, clear instruction, minimal sensory overloadNeurodevelopmentalNone/Minimal
Living amenities
Requires absolute privacy during off-hours; private quarters to remain undisturbed at all times
Exclusive meat-based diet; no plant-based foods tolerated
Requests regular access to books, particularly logistical and STEM literature
Allocate 50% of personal income to charitable orphanage funds
Circus role
Performs high-risk acts involving blades, pyrotechnics, and controlled flame. Manages circus logistics, transportation planning, and inter-company coordination. Recognized for exceptional precision, situational control, and mechanical awareness under pressure despite disabilities
Background
Experience in medical and militaristic fields. Interest initiative for performative arts unknown; Likely connected to the acrobat prodigy in some way
Personality profile
WIthdrawn and highly controlled. Displays strong moral consistency despite low affect expression. Tactical thinker; demonstrates strong protective tendencies toward select demographics
Pre-Circus history
Former licensed physician, later engaged in paramilitary work following exposure to severe child abuse cases during field service. Transition to circus attributed to ethical disillusionment

Hemostain pattern signature

PR assessment and recommendations
Refuses to interact with non-personnel unless absolutely needed; which is a metric decided by him
Recommendations: Given unique standing and personality traits, it is recommended not to allow engagement with any stranger unless by both parties' choice

@Registered 2017/05/28



Circus registry ID

#AJW92K3V132

TitleNumber
YEARS PERFORMING9
ART CATEGORYMultimedia
TROUPE IDCircus "Monster"
FIELDDESCRIPTION
STAGE NAMEMehrbod
Rythms with air-code
PRONOUNSHe/Him
AGE22
SPECIALTYTightrope walker
TEMPERAMENTENTJ - EXECUTIVE
BLOOD TYPEA+
SIGNATURE TRAITExceptional balance and focus under pressure

Circus Monster - Performer details

Medical conditions

TitleIntensityDescriptionTreatmentSourceRisk assessment
Post-Traumatic Stress RespondModerateExperiences intrusive recollections, occasional startle reactions and hyper-alertness in unfamiliar environments. Intensifies as becomes more tiredGrounding excercies before performance; Predictable routines; Limited exposure to loud or chaotic rehearsalPrior exposure to sustained stress and percieved threatNone/Minimal
Sleep Maintenance InsomniaModerateDifficulty sustaining sleep for longer than a few hours, often leading to daytime fatique and concentration lapsesStructured rest schedule and environmental sleep hygiene; Short rest periods permitted during long travelAnxiety-related hypervigilanceNone/Minimal
Right-Eye Visual ImpairmentMildReduced visual acuity in the right eye; compensates through enhanced spatial awareness and balance trainingRegular ophthalmologic evaluation; Ensure high-contrast lighting during aerial setup and travelPhysical impairment, longstandingNone/Minimal
Social Anxiety DisorderModerateExperiences discomfort and anticipatory fear in social gatherings or unfamiliar groups; no effect on performanceOne-to-one communication preferred; Scheduled desensitization exposure under supervisionPsychological strainNone/Minimal
Living amenities
Minimal personal requirements; requests access to personal phone prior to sleep
Occasional supervised swimming sessions requested for relaxation
No dietary restrictions except avoidance of certain meats (unspecified)
Low social media risk; minimal public activity, non-political
Circus role
Multi-disciplinary performer with a background in engineering and stage mechanics. Known for designing and maintaining his own performance rigs and balance systems
Background
Former white-collar employee with interests in mechanical and electrical design, later found interest in performance art. Transitioned to circus work following an undisclosed personal event. Self-taught in rigging, balance systems and mechanical stage design
Personality profile
Even-tempered and pragmatic. Displays consistent curiousity and cooperative behaviour. Generally reserved, prefers routine. Functions as a stabilizing presence within team structure
Pre-Circus history
Worked in technical administration and design until a noted psychological turning point. No criminal or disciplinary record. Entered performance arts under independent study following unclassified event

Hemostain pattern signature

PR assessment and recommendations
Consistently available in fan and viewer meet-ups. Generally very communicative and willing. Good sense of public reputation and generally the mascot of circus
Recommendations: Positive influence on the circus, continue letting in the social interactions

@Registered 2003/05/29



Circus registry ID

#AJW92K3A850

TitleNumber
YEARS PERFORMING1
ART CATEGORYWhimsical beauty
TROUPE IDCircus "Monster"
FIELDDESCRIPTION
STAGE NAMEAcheron 'Ash'
Ash-erone
PRONOUNSShe/Her - Male
AGE8
SPECIALTYAerial silk dancer/Acrobat
TEMPERAMENTINFP - MEDIATOR
BLOOD TYPEO-
SIGNATURE TRAITExceptional artistic abilities - Audience favourite

Circus Monster - Performer details

Medical conditions

TitleIntensityDescriptionTreatmentSourceRisk assessment
AlbinismMild/ModerateLacks melanin pigmentation; sensitive to sunlight and strong lighting; requires ocular protectionUV-filtering attire and sunscreen; stage lighting adjusted for comfortGeneticNone/Minimal
Hemophilia ASevereSlow blood clotting; risk of prolonged bleeding from minor injuriesAvoid contact stunts; immediate first-aid readiness; medical oversight required during travelCongenitalVery severe; Monitor at all times and limit contact with unknown environments
MalnutritionModerateLow muscle mass and delayed healing; easily fatiqued during performanceHigh calorie nutritional plan and monitored rest periodChronic dietary insufficiency; sometimes by choiceModerate; Monitor food intake
Selective mutismMild/ModerateCapable of speech but may become mute under stress or unfamiliar social settingsNonverbal communication methods accepted; no pressure to speak on or off stageAxiety-basedNone/Minimal
Emotional attachment/dependantVery severeBecomes strongly attached to specific individuals; experiences immense stress when separatedGradual exposure to independant, consistent reassurance and supportive presence during travelDevelopmentalMild to severe; May be conditionally contagious given the affective influence on peers and viewers
Living amenities
Requires temperature-controlled environment; room must remain warm at all times
Needs soft bedding, personal dolls and visually comforting décor
Requires caretaker supervision during emotional dysregulation or medical instability
Diet restricted to soft foods; primarily rice and bread
Requires periodic blood transfusions and medical observation due to hemophilia
Circus role
Performs light acrobatics and silk-based acts requiring balance and flexibility. Oversees aesthetic development and promotional design for circus materials. Contributes concept art, layout, and visual staging plans for major performances. Has a niche but very deep fanbase
Background
Flexibility believed to be congenital. Little to no information regarding past life; Refuses to discuss skill roots
Personality profile
Quiet, emotionally dependent, and gentle in demeanor. Nonverbal during stress; responds greatly to consistent reassurance and percieved safe environments. Exhibits attachment-based behaviors towards established 'caretakers'
Pre-Circus history
Raised by a single caretaker until their passing. Discovered and recruited by circus personnel for unique physical flexibility and distinctive albinic appearance. Arrived under medical supervision; integration described as "protective custody transfer"

Hemostain pattern signature

PR assessment and recommendations
Incredibly popular with certain demographics in the viewers. Always happy to meet new people but often disappointed at the boundaries between performer and fan
Recommendations: Limit interactions with obsessed fans; make sure he doesn't feel rejection from any fan that follows him for his 'beauty'

@Registered 2024/10/21



Most of my finished and professional pieces are catalogued over on my artstation

As for why this page exists at all;

Please meet the people that live in my head ❤

The supporting cast I never asked for but couldn't do without


Click me for a mobile friendly version

Bipartite constructions of woe

Romance of misery and company
Why my characters are in pairs

Suffering can't exist in isolation; Once there is another person to mirror it, oppose it or share it, it's given form

One person alone is just a hypothetical void with meaningless properties, but once others get involved, you get tension, reflection and resonance, properties I dream of replicating as an artist

Once you start comparing pain, you learn the language to quantify it. You get to put it next to empathy, cruelty, indifference or love and see the very real, physical properties of pain through the unbearable actions committed by the victims

Misery loves company because company gives misery form. It is not "happiness" or "love", but a recognition of the beauty in a collective, grim fate


The motifs; What and why?

Blood, guts, and Glory tragedy
Why so much messed up backstories

Given how feelings and 'tragedies' are typically not externally symptomatic, it can be difficult to really measure or compare them

Furthermore, any quantifiable tragedy is entirely undercut by the emotional constrain put on the survivor. An automotive vehicle hurts a lot less intensely for a shorter duration compared to the emotional hit you take from one

We still intuitively scale and compare emotional hits based on the physical mark that is their source
I enjoy the medium of medical injury; Bruises and wounds as a shorthand for the scale of mental turmoil


The "God problem"

A framework to burn the innocent
Why my characters are shamelessly hurtful

As a child, I always had an obsession with analyzing cause and effect
I asked, how far can you follow a thread of thought and action before you turned empty? And then... What would be at the end of it? What was the original impulse? The catalyzer that set off what we know as "cause and effect"

As I grew up, I understood that where we are in life, anything we are grateful for, anything we are in agony due to, are the symptoms of one circumstance over another for millions and millions of years

We torture animals on a global scale to have cheap, always available animals products
The very idea of not doing this is alien to many. "What can I do?" "The decisions were made by others, I just follow them"

\But how do we apply this to our system of justice? Mentally ill and traumatized banana rips into the apple because of the teachings and the morals taught to it by the same system that judges it and deem it "dysfunctional"

If you think about it, it's not his fault, it's hers; And her fault is theirs, and theirs is of those. Who's at the end of this thread? It's god for allowing for allowing the primal sin to come to life

Ofcourse, "god" here is just a shorthand for a hypothetical entity
I hope the scale of amusement I get from the paradox of a world based on "justice" is something others can share with me


About harm inflicted on another

Fifty shades of cannibalism and murder
Why my art often includes themes of harm

We are social creatures, we gauge how compatible any given member of our group is based on how little inconvenience they inflict compared to what they offer to the collective

But what happens when someone is incompatible? They are designated as monsters, freaks, grotesque

We write stories and are awed by serial killers; We choose to spend our time thinking about beings that kill for fun; beings that feed on our lives, blood and flesh

To live means to take, from earth, from animals, from one another, from oneself.
It has always felt to me that a 'cannibal', a 'murderer' or a 'monster' is just the parts of our society that broke under the very principles meant to hide our nature because it's "unfflattering"

I find that deliciously ironic. Hurting another is the language the free communicate in, it is of giving of dogmatic pretentious rules and accepting what you want as your only goal; and monsters choose to cast it upon a collective demographic/society
It is the ultimate form of asserting self

A monster, is on many levels, the most human entity that can exist out of a human. It is a human stripped away of all the chemical chains that gives them the urge to be ammicable


Thesis of a circus

Fishes crying a sea just so they have a place to live
Why a circus

A circus is the ultimate satire of humanity on itself

What does it mean to live? Better question, Why do we live?

Ofcourse, that's very difficult to answer, so we look at it from another angle. Why do all the living have a will to live?
Because if they didn't, they wouldn't be the living

Life is self filtering in the sense that it selects for who wants to live, whether it's enjoyable or not, whether it makes sense or not, whether it's something it can afford

And a circus is the ultimate satirical, gaping wound in this senseless system
It is an entity who's existance is tied to the collective forces implied to its members because they're different

The concept that circuses do exist, and operate as a normal, functioning organization is incredibly fascinating. It's the mark of respect we give to one another for just "wanting to exist"
It's a echo chamber made of broken lives and dreams, performing for a decaying system of silenced throats




It's a personal art project for short

Longer answer is it's a digital self portrait and a mental dossier

Each page represents a part of my identity and various stages of it expressed through performance records, memorials and anatomical metaphors

it is not a diary, an ARG or a roleplay platform

Also I get to keep organized track of certain information which is, well, pretty epic

I think it's cool

But if I were to put it under a magnifier, it's really about spectacle, control and audience

A circus represents the need to entertain using your oddities to survive

A medical/obituary registry represent the need to compartmentalize tragedy to make it a finite mass

Gothic themes and colors are bold, unapologetic and not seen fit for "mainstream", which serves my piece well

Circus Monster by Circusp is the namesake

To me, it's a song about unstopping performance no matter what happens

Nobody cares about how a performer feels, they only concern yourself with the performance. No matter how disastrous it would be for the entertainers, the show must always go on

I have always found it to be a great analogy of life at times. We perform for eachother because we have to, not because we want to, not because we can

We perform because that's the only reason we're allowed to co exist. We do our little entertaining social dances to act like we're all functioning well, to prove we're not monsters

I don't think it would be very productive for me to explain past this. Listen to Circus Monster by CircusP and pay attention to the lyrics. It's in pretty much every platform out there

I think they're pretty cool

It's code that can run on any device in the world that can connect to it, it ties all of us together and drives our society forward

Why not?

It's a form of Kintsugi. I enjoy building something organized from chaos and calling it pretty

Look, think, maybe recognize something in it. It's all I ask for when I consume any media myself

To me, art is a way to express what is inside your head using shorthand to others without having to make them be you

Sure, the medium is not very artistically inclined, it is technical

But behind every great artist is a human life with millions of vectors in past experiences that determines their artistic choices

If you believe that AI generated 'art' is not 'art', then you should agree that one judges art based on the creative, emotional and skilled labor put behind it which narrows down what gets produced into "not slop"

This is not slop, and it's an artistic self expression. I feel like calling it anything but art is just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn

I do

I have been doing art in a large variety of mediums for a long time, this is one of them

Once again, one needs to distinguish between what they are looking at and what demographic it falls under

The default form of "personal website that's not for business" is not supposed to be a quick low effort link or info dump, one can, and in this case has, put creative, emotional and skilled labor into it

And you know, I enjoyed it :) I learned something new and expressed myself in a healthy manner, I feel like that already preceeds majority of the ways people spend their free time by modern societal standards

I think it's interesting that most people throw words like "edgy" and "shallow" around where their judgement is entirely contingent on the medium and the demographics the author of the piece falls in

"edgy" and "fake deep" media are created as a form of aesthetic mimicry to elicit feelings of shock or empathy

I believe if one is to judge whether something is worth existing or not on the basis of mimicry or authenticity, one needs to study and comprehend what authentic expression and creativity looks like :)

Pain, trauma, tragedy, they're all "shocking" concepts that tug on a healthy person's empathy. My use of certain themes are deliberate and narratively coherent, which to me is the distinguishing factor

Why would I not? Why would I be ashamed or secretive of what I express for Myself on an opt-in piece that lets Me make choices for what I am and am not

Perhaps

It may not be for you, and that's fine, that's not the intention

Medical conditions tend to be used as a strict language of judgement, as anyone who'd be offended from my use of them would be able to vouch

I merely repurpose and reclaim that language. The intention is to turn cold clinical language that reduces individuals to deterministic machines into a framework for empathy and understanding

Partly

It's not a diagnosis or anything, just a map of neural coping architecture. It's not medical in anyway

They're composite identities I hold and have come across, stylized and watered down through metaphors and poetry for public use

It is personal, not private

It is rigorously curated, every word is intentional

There are no accidental confessions

One needs to distinguish between someone bleeding out and painting a canvas red

I'm happy for anyone that finds a healthy way to deal with their issues

But this is my way, in no part of this piece is there implications of me needing external input from anyone

I choose to tattoo over my scars instead of hiding them because they look "unflattering" to the fortunate bunch

Frida Kahlo, Sylvia Plath, Louise Bourgeois, and Edvard Munch all faced accusations of being "self absorbed", "too personal" or even "grotesque" when they revealed their pain through art

All it took was some critics to call their work masterfully innovative after their death for the general public to accept "Maybe I don't get it, but I will respect it"

I have always wanted to follow that lineage; Various mediums, same impulse

I believe the difference between any medium and theirs is entirely technological, and maybe has varying levels of percieved effort to learn and master, but art is, and has always been, gauged in its emotional and creative value, which is almost always entirely separate fromt he medium it's practiced in

Nah

Most people that pass comments or beliefs that are mentioned here aren't really willing to hear the other person out or let them have their word on their own work

This section just ensures I can transfer the responsibility of ignorance without being interrupted

Because art doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Once you publish something, interpretation of it become a collaboration between maker and viewer and affects the maker disproportionately in the percieved social feedback they get back

I’d rather guide that conversation than let rumor do it for me. This FAQ is frame and context

It's arguable if every if any artwork needs one, but I happen to have the exclusive discretion to add one

That’s alright. Not everything has to matter to everyone

I make things that matter to me; that’s what I enjoy, it's what art is

If this isn’t for you, you’re free to leave it be. No hard feelings

The only thing I ask is that you recognize that not caring doesn’t make it meaningless

Icon vector elements are from svgrepo

Cupcakes in the obituary are from emoji.gg

Playing card scans from marytcusack

Current placeholder id images are from Hello Charlotte

Certain code samples from Jason Leow

All the design and writing is otherwise by Circus monster

Circus monster (the song) that you can play with the website is a remix of Circus monster by CircusP made by steampianist. Please check them out!

All written content, structure, and design belong to Circus monster @2025

Do not reproduce, republish, or redistribute any section of this work without explicit permission

You’re free to reference or analyze it with credit and fair context but plagiarism or out-of-context reproduction isn’t cool I think

This is an independent, personal art project. It isn’t affiliated with any organization or collective

Everything in this website is statically rendered no frameworks, no tracking, no data collection

Most performance quirks are artistic, I think this whole thing can run on a 100mb server

This project exists to archive and express parts of myself through a structured and creative framework.

It’s not a call for validation or sympathy; it’s a study in form, narrative, and digital identity.

Optimized for desktop view; not all layouts will display perfectly on mobile, although the website is very responsive

Color contrast is intentional and thematic, but readability was kept in mind

No audio or flashing visuals are used




Video

Bipartite constructions of woe

Romance of misery and company
Why my characters are in pairs

Suffering can't exist in isolation; Once there is another person to mirror it, oppose it or share it, it's given form

One person alone is just a hypothetical void with meaningless properties, but once others get involved, you get tension, reflection and resonance, properties I dream of replicating as an artist

Once you start comparing pain, you learn the language to quantify it. You get to put it next to empathy, cruelty, indifference or love and see the very real, physical properties of pain through the unbearable actions committed by the victims

Misery loves company because company gives misery form. It is not "happiness" or "love", but a recognition of the beauty in a collective, grim fate


The motifs; What and why?

Blood, guts, and Glory tragedy
Why so much messed up backstories

Given how feelings and 'tragedies' are typically not externally symptomatic, it can be difficult to really measure or compare them

Furthermore, any quantifiable tragedy is entirely undercut by the emotional constrain put on the survivor. An automotive vehicle hurts a lot less intensely for a shorter duration compared to the emotional hit you take from one

We still intuitively scale and compare emotional hits based on the physical mark that is their source
I enjoy the medium of medical injury; Bruises and wounds as a shorthand for the scale of mental turmoil


The "God problem"

A framework to burn the innocent
Why my characters are shamelessly hurtful

As a child, I always had an obsession with analyzing cause and effect
I asked, how far can you follow a thread of thought and action before you turned empty? And then... What would be at the end of it? What was the original impulse? The catalyzer that set off what we know as "cause and effect"

As I grew up, I understood that where we are in life, anything we are grateful for, anything we are in agony due to, are the symptoms of one circumstance over another for millions and millions of years

We torture animals on a global scale to have cheap, always available animals products
The very idea of not doing this is alien to many. "What can I do?" "The decisions were made by others, I just follow them"

\But how do we apply this to our system of justice? Mentally ill and traumatized banana rips into the apple because of the teachings and the morals taught to it by the same system that judges it and deem it "dysfunctional"

If you think about it, it's not his fault, it's hers; And her fault is theirs, and theirs is of those. Who's at the end of this thread? It's god for allowing for allowing the primal sin to come to life

Ofcourse, "god" here is just a shorthand for a hypothetical entity
I hope the scale of amusement I get from the paradox of a world based on "justice" is something others can share with me


About harm inflicted on another

Fifty shades of cannibalism and murder
Why my art often includes themes of harm

We are social creatures, we gauge how compatible any given member of our group is based on how little inconvenience they inflict compared to what they offer to the collective

But what happens when someone is incompatible? They are designated as monsters, freaks, grotesque

We write stories and are awed by serial killers; We choose to spend our time thinking about beings that kill for fun; beings that feed on our lives, blood and flesh

To live means to take, from earth, from animals, from one another, from oneself.
It has always felt to me that a 'cannibal', a 'murderer' or a 'monster' is just the parts of our society that broke under the very principles meant to hide our nature because it's "unfflattering"

I find that deliciously ironic. Hurting another is the language the free communicate in, it is of giving of dogmatic pretentious rules and accepting what you want as your only goal; and monsters choose to cast it upon a collective demographic/society
It is the ultimate form of asserting self

A monster, is on many levels, the most human entity that can exist out of a human. It is a human stripped away of all the chemical chains that gives them the urge to be ammicable


Thesis of a circus

Fishes crying a sea just so they have a place to live
Why a circus

A circus is the ultimate satire of humanity on itself

What does it mean to live? Better question, Why do we live?

Ofcourse, that's very difficult to answer, so we look at it from another angle. Why do all the living have a will to live?
Because if they didn't, they wouldn't be the living

Life is self filtering in the sense that it selects for who wants to live, whether it's enjoyable or not, whether it makes sense or not, whether it's something it can afford

And a circus is the ultimate satirical, gaping wound in this senseless system
It is an entity who's existance is tied to the collective forces implied to its members because they're different

The concept that circuses do exist, and operate as a normal, functioning organization is incredibly fascinating. It's the mark of respect we give to one another for just "wanting to exist"
It's a echo chamber made of broken lives and dreams, performing for a decaying system of silenced throats

A written archive dedicated for every soul I've outgrown

Here lies the Pioneer

You taught me what it means to love and be loved, thank you.

Your flower is Edelweiss, symbolizing courage and adventure


Here lies the Pyromanic

You let me explore my indulgences without judging me. thank you

Your flower is Tiger Lily, symbolizing passion and fierce energy


Here lies the Gardener

You treated me with softness, thank you

Your flower is Violet, symbolizing modesty and hidden beauty


Here lies the Glassblower

You demonstrated to me how true devotion looks like, thank you

Your flower is Marigold, symbolizing passion and jealousy


Here lies the Mortician

You forced me to face truths that were difficult to swallow, thank you

Your flower is Night-blooming Jasmine, representing mystery and hidden beauty


Here lies the male Dancer

You opened a locked door in my heart, thank you

Your flower is White Camellia, symbolizing purity of feelings


Here lies the Apothecary

You introduced me to various ailments and their treatments, thank you

Your flower is Belladonna, symbolizing madness and allure


Here lies the Visionary

You supported me in ways nobody has before; Gave me trust nobody gave me before, thank you

Your flower is Orchid, symbolizing exotic luxury, but obsession and a fragile ego


here lies the Little goth

You opened my eyes to who I am; You proved I can feel safe; You gave me a glimpse into what could, thank you

Your flower is red Spider lily, symbolizing Beauty in death and reincarnation


here lies I

You carried me through all my burdens until you were crushed, thank you

Your flower is forget-me-not


    Time elapsed since last death

    Let the bodies of our former selves — flayed and consecrated, rest here.
    We were both the knife that cut and the blossoms that bloomed from the gashes.
    Let the earth feast upon our names, and grant me my clean departure

    To the countless unnamed bodies littering my garden, you nurtured my flowers of growth, thank you


    In memory of what once was, in celebration of what breathes still,
    Welcome to my circus!


    Ezra

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameLast bout
    Age23
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    178cm/5'10"
    54kg/119lbs
    TemperamentPhlegmatic-Choleric
    (Feisty)
    Personality typeISTP
    Circus ActEscape artist
    Relation to partnerApparent puppet master
    NoteHowls when very excited

    Ezra & Rabid heart

    Fear made flesh (The jojo oc)


    Background and pre-circus profile


    Very little is known about the early childhood of Ezra Ruell
    As far as he claims to recall, he's been an entertainer in an underground fight club, where he would perform dangerous acts between different shows
    As he got older, he started performing as the main event, fighting an increasing number of rabid dogs who've been trained to fight
    He has trouble recalling events and durations given he had no access to sunlight for much of his life


    Eventually, it was too much even for his body; As his body gives our under the mountain of claws and teeth, one dog bites into his neck very deeply
    As he recall it, he felt a new vector of motion unlock for him, as if he had his hands bound his entire life, and he doesn't recall the rest
    He apparently had a form of blackout and woke up in police custody


    That day became history in the city he was in. After prolonged sounds of screaming and terror, the police found the fight club; many bodies shredded to a degree that it took forensic experts weeks to determine their identity
    And in the middle of the slaughter, almost like a blooming flower, they found Ezra, unconscious
    After extended psychological tests it was determined he's not criminally liable in lue of "Insanity". He was later integrated into the circus as a form of 'rehabilitation' into social circles, hoping to make him functional again


    Among the many quirks that inhabit Ezra, his 'stand' is the biggest one
    He has the executive ability to manifest a mental extension of himself which can freely move through space and alter objects physically. Along with this, certain mental, telepathic abilites and space time manipulation has been cited



    Rabid heart

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameHound of chains
    AgeNA
    PronounsIt/Its
    Height
    Weight
    196cm/6'5"
    98kg/216lbs
    TemperamentCholeric-Sanguine
    (Feisty)
    Personality typeENTJ
    Circus ActMentalist
    Relation to partnerApparent puppet
    NoteIncredibly child unfriendly

    Ezra

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameLast bout
    Age23
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    178cm/5'10"
    54kg/119lbs
    TemperamentPhlegmatic-Choleric
    (Feisty)
    Personality typeISTP
    Circus ActEscape artist
    Relation to partnerApparent puppet master
    NoteHowls when very excited

    It is not fully understood the extent of physical and mental abilities that Ezra's "Rabid Heart" posesses; Or how many of them are physical and how many are forms of illusion
    These mental projections of one's inner power, 'stands' seem to have certain static characteristics; Destructive power, Speed, Range (Inversely proportional relation to destructive power), Durability/Stamina, Precision and development potential
    While compared to other classes of stands rabid heart is weak (sporting a B, C, B, D, D, A respectively), his power is uniquely very dependant on his abilities

    These are Rabid heart's abilities as described by Ezra
    'Hunt' Describes Rabid Hearts tendency to see an increase in all stats as the "targets" becomes more scared and starts producing adrenaline
    'Howl of chains' is Rabid heart's unique howl, which produces a very distinct sound that seems to encase any listener with a very deep feeling of dread
    'Dogmatic arena' is the pocket dimension Ezra can produce on immense stress or pain, which allegedly has many eyes and teeth which chomp out of any being put within. While never directly observed, Ezra seems to have the ability to selectively 'walk' this pocket dimension on will, and is not affected by the chomps
    It is currently not understood how conscious Rabid heart is at all, but Ezra seems to have a different personality while its manifested which is proxied as its own


    Role in the circus


    Ezra himself is an escape artist. He has an exceptional ability in quick thinking and finding ways out of tight and difficult confinements

    Rabid hearts shows aren't very common for PR reasons, but if there are little to no children and vulnerable demographics present and Ezra already has a show, Rabid heart may perform too. His performance is essentially instilling fear into all the viewers which excites certain audiences


    Interpersonal relations and circus policies


    Ezra is not a very social person and Rabid heart is barely interacted with separately if ever. He seems to have a deep respect and sense of protectiveness for the circus, but he's very socially inadept and often needs supervision on what is ok and not ok to say/do in any given situation
    Fortunately, he's very cooperative and does not resist learning too much


    Rabid heart

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameHound of chains
    AgeNA
    PronounsIt/Its
    Height
    Weight
    196cm/6'5"
    98kg/216lbs
    TemperamentCholeric-Sanguine
    (Feisty)
    Personality typeENTJ
    Circus ActMentalist
    Relation to partnerApparent puppet
    NoteIncredibly child unfriendly

    Silk

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameGentle web-spinner
    Age19
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    155cm/5'5"
    48kg/106lbs
    TemperamentMelancholic-Phlegmatic
    (Cautious)
    Personality typeISFJ
    Circus ActAerial contortionist
    Relation to partnerSoothes restraints
    NoteSensitive to all spices

    Silk & Sickle

    Web of life and death


    Background and pre-circus profile


    Jude Mercer was born in a very poor family
    As part of a militaristic project to fabricate super-humans with hightened physical and mental capabilities
    The idea is by injecting fabricated 'organs' into the systems of developing children, they may be able to develop characteristics similar to the host of that organ
    Spiders were particularly favoured due to their incredibly flexible physiology and the quiks of how they digest food outside of their stomach
    select poor families with children of various age range where picked and given funds for testing of 'harmless vaccines'


    Jude was pronounced dead and the family was reimbursed; were most of the children involved in the trials
    His body took on the spider organ particularly well. but while he was still scared and figuring his new body over, he was put over intense physical and psychological tests
    During a brief blackout, he manages to break free of his confines and live on his own


    Due to the intense effect the organ's hormones have on his brain, his mirror have associated love of peers with the same parts of the brain that regulate hunger and palate
    As a result, he's unable to psychologically eat anything but human flesh, which after long periods of starvation fragmented his mind into two distinct identities
    Silk, as he's later coined to be. the core identity and Sickle, the drive to solve hunger



    Sickle

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameVera Venin
    Age19
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    209cm/6'10"
    48kg/106lbs
    TemperamentCholeric-Sanguine
    (Feisty)
    Personality typeESTP
    Circus ActPredatory act
    Relation to partnerProtector/Feeder
    NoteAvoid reflections/mirrors

    Silk

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameGentle web-spinner
    Age19
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    155cm/5'5"
    48kg/106lbs
    TemperamentMelancholic-Phlegmatic
    (Cautious)
    Personality typeISFJ
    Circus ActAerial contortionist
    Relation to partnerSoothes restraints
    NoteSensitive to all spices

    While many of Jude's physical characteristics are improved, some of them are conditionally disabling; A good example of this is his vision
    The eyes that are facially located are not functional anymore, but the 8 that have grown out of his head function well
    A unique attribute of this is how he covers his eyes with his hair while he's interacting with strangers, both for safety and acceptance
    Another unique characteristic of him is his spider legs. He's learned to connect them together which increases their dexterity and makes the blades' placement more defensive; While sickle prefers them separate and blades extended


    Role in the circus


    Due to the unpredictability of his fragmented identity, each part in his mind is treated as a separate performer for safety and efficiency purposes
    Silk, stage name "The gentle web-spinner" does unique aerial contortion acts using his webs; While he's technically fully blind while performing, so he relies on differences in air pressure and spacial awareness similar to Vae


    Sickle's act is very dangerous and only performed in occasions
    It revovles a custom dome which encases him with many robotic targets that have human flesh planted within them, which he can smell
    The entertainment value is how brutally he rips apart what is infront of him
    Make sure there are no mirrors or reflective surfaces in which he can see himself in, which causes intense fragmentation and mental agony


    Interpersonal relations and circus policies


    Silk is generally very timid and softspoken. He tries his best to be cooperative. He does not handle most medical conversations well, so everyone tries to avoid talking about them with him around; Same goes for parental conversations or mentions of food

    Sickle's interactions long and short are in his feeding. Silk is unable to stomach eating humans so he takes over for him. He's not malevolant in nature, but anyone interacting with him needs to respect his boundaries and be wary of him
    He doesn't speak to anyone in anyway, but he does have a rudimentary form of body language


    Sickle

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameVera Venin
    Age19
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    209cm/6'10"
    48kg/106lbs
    TemperamentCholeric-Sanguine
    (Feisty)
    Personality typeESTP
    Circus ActPredatory act
    Relation to partnerProtector/Feeder
    NoteAvoid reflections/mirrors

    Cher

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameGlass feathers
    Age15
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    147cm/4'10"
    43kg/95lbs
    TemperamentMelancholic
    (Cautious)
    Personality typeINFP
    Circus ActTightrope over water
    Relation to partnerMortal heart
    NoteReal name Acheron Harlow

    Cher & Vail

    Wrath-bound grace


    Background and pre-circus profile


    Acheron Harlow (Nicknamed and called Cher hereonafter to avoid confusion) is allegedly the half breed child of an angel and a human
    His father could not stay and his custody became of his mom and later stepdad
    Cher was abused and mistreated for not being a normal human child
    Among many of his quirks and oddities, he has large wings that he's come to try hiding
    His dad had expected Cher's difficulties integrating into human life, so he eventually tethers a guardian to Cher, which keeps him company; Vae illi (Nicknamed and called Vail hereonafter to avoid confusion)


    Cher's only friend had always been vail, but vail is ultimately a pure blood angel; something which Cher is not
    When Cher turns 14, he decides to suicide due to the pain inflicted to him from having to live as a looked down upon halfbreeds, as he felt like he had nowhere to belong to. Both worlds have seemingly abandoned him
    But Vail, upon feeling the mental pain Cher have been going through on a physical level, decides to start getting more involved with Cher's life and choices


    As Vail takes over, choosing to physical incarnate at certain points, he starts by getting rid of Cher's biggest source of pain, his parents
    Cher, distraught by what he sees, forces Vail to only ever manifest when absolutely, unequivocally necessary
    Of course, that's at Vail's discretion, which is where the friction between them happens on an emotional level
    As intellectually divine Vail is, he tends to fail and misread the complexity behind human feelings and interactions; The fact his only experience to take from was the very abusive parents of Cher does not help this at all
    The problem lies in how truly powerful vail is in executing his 'judgement'


    Vail

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameBlinded seraph
    AgeNA
    PronounsIt/Its
    Height
    Weight
    226cm/7'6"
    162kg/357lbs
    TemperamentCholeric-Melancholic
    (Cautious)
    Personality typeINFJ
    Circus ActIllusionist & Pyrotechnics
    Relation to partnerDivine spear
    NoteReal name Vae illi

    Cher

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameGlass feathers
    Age15
    PronounsHe/Him
    Height
    Weight
    147cm/4'10"
    43kg/95lbs
    TemperamentMelancholic
    (Cautious)
    Personality typeINFP
    Circus ActTightrope over water
    Relation to partnerMortal heart
    NoteReal name Acheron Harlow

    Cher seems to possess some form of healing and telepathic abilities; He however strongly insists on denying this
    Both Cher and Vail fashion large non-vanity wings which lets them be mobile through propolled flight; Although Cher tends to not not use his wings as much as possible
    The exact extends of Vail's powers are not understood, but he has a strong inclination towards Cher and tries to listen to him
    He appears fully blind, but he does have full spatial awareness that extends through walls and obstructions


    Role in the circus


    Cher's role consists of his signature 'Angel's descent' whereby he descents slowly using his wings to glide down onto a thin rope that's leveled with a body of water. He then gracefully walks over it without using any rigging or balancing mechanism as his wings help him balance


    Vail's role is a dangerous show of his power using fire and lights
    It consists of him walking through fire as multiple decoys of him made of light attack him, which he deflects and 'defeats'
    Despite the safety concerns, he's apparently not affected by fire in anyway and his decoys are spawned by himself


    Interpersonal relations and circus policies


    Cher has a really good relation with Acheron, they spend a lot of time together
    While Cher is not typically comfortable around many people, he's been seen allowing Acheron to do certain intimate acts with him (Touching his wing, hugging etc.)
    It's been deemed unharmful and allowed as far as it helps Cher and Acheron to stay emotionally stable


    Vail does not typically speak with anyone unless needed
    He seems to only really stay in the circus because it makes Cher happy; Although he has an ambigous affliction based on some form of 'recognition' with Vae


    Vail

    FieldInfo
    Stage nameBlinded seraph
    AgeNA
    PronounsIt/Its
    Height
    Weight
    226cm/7'6"
    162kg/357lbs
    TemperamentCholeric-Melancholic
    (Cautious)
    Personality typeINFJ
    Circus ActIllusionist & Pyrotechnics
    Relation to partnerDivine spear
    NoteReal name Vae illi